8 Lies Women Are CONSTANTLY Told About Men (That Make Finding Love Way Harder)
Learn how the lies you believe about men are destroying your relationship (and what to DO about it).
You’ve memorized the five love languages. You could win an Oscar for your recreation of the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
You can talk football, hockey, and baseball. But, the man in your life is still making you crazy.
You want to make the relationship work, but some days love just seems so hard.
Maybe you believe one of these 8 lies about how men fall in love that can kill your relationship:
1. He doesn’t care about intimacy.
Men experience emotions and intimacy differently from women. Yet, they still want companionship, closeness, and emotional safety. They want tenderness. They want to feel supported and appreciated. They want a safe haven from the challenges of life.
Sex, alone, is not the foundation of a loving relationship.
Watch YourTango Experts discuss the difference between sex and intimacy in relationships.
2. He knows he’s all that.
Men often seem so confident. They talk themselves up in ways women do not. But, all that bravado often covers up insecurities around social expectations.
Men must be strong and brave. They should be able to afford cool cars, nice homes, and expensive gifts. They should be good husbands, great lovers, and nurturing fathers.
That’s a lot of pressure. He needs some reassurance of his worth. Express your gratitude for who he is. That will keep the love flowing between the two of you.
3. Gender equality cancels out brain biology.
via GIPHY
Admit it. You’re frustrated that your man doesn’t listen to you enough. He needs space. He doesn’t see dirt. Men’s brains are wired differently from ours.
Fifty years of feminism doesn’t trump thousands of years of evolution. Until we have realistic expectations for the men we love, we set ourselves up for disappointment and failed relationships.
Read What Could He Be Thinking by Michael Gurian for a great explanation of gender differences and how to use them to enhance love.
RELATED: 3 Secret Reasons Men Eventually Leave ‘Good’ Women
4. You can make him stop cheating, drinking, doing drugs, or any other destructive behavior.
Women are raised to be helpful and nurturing. We are raised to be patient and compassionate.
Cheaters are 3.5 times as likely to cheat again. Overcoming alcoholism and drug addiction requires the user to be fully committed to staying sober or being clean.
One-sided love will not stop bad behavior, it can only enable and create co-dependency. And, that’s not the real love you deserve.
5. You need to pick your battles.
Open communication and setting boundaries are essential to any relationship. Men may not talk as much as women, but this doesn’t mean that men cannot have productive conversations. It’s a big red flag in your relationship if there are topics you feel you cannot discuss or boundaries he won’t respect.
Find a time when things are calm. Don’t be confrontational or judgmental. Remember that you have the same goal in mind: loving each other.
RELATED: This Is The Single Key to Effective, ZERO-Arguing Communication
6. Men want to be babied.
via GIPHY
There’s a fine line between being a good partner and making your man into a big baby. As women, we have every right to expect that the men we love act like adults. The burden of the relationship should not fall on one partner alone. When we baby our men, we set ourselves up to carry the relationship.
When we dress our men, nag them, and try to “train” them, we can trigger their fear of enmeshment because we sound more like mommy and less like a lover or wife. And, that’s bad for love.
7. Men want “selfless” women.
From the time we are little girls, we are trained to prioritize the needs of others. We’re told the ideal expression of womanhood is to be “selfless”. But, if you break that word apart (self + less), what you have is the absence of self.
Men want women who know who they are and what they want. If you find yourself losing your identity or giving up the things that really matter to you, you are paying too big a price for your relationship. Love dies in a garden of sacrifice, frustration, and resentment.
8. He is responsible for making sure you live happily ever after.
From the time we are little girls, we are fed a steady diet of princess stories. When we’re unhappy or in trouble, rather than helping ourselves, we are rescued by a rich, handsome man who rides up on a white horse.
This storyline sets unrealistic expectations and puts tremendous pressure on men. It takes away our power as women. No one can make us happy or unhappy. We need to take self-responsibility for own happiness. Ultimately, that serves us and empowers love.
These misconceptions can be avoided or addressed by two practices: good communication and self-responsibility. Make time to talk to each other weekly about what really matters. You’ll see that investment of time returned a thousand-fold in happiness and finding the real love you long for.
Take self-responsibility for your own life. Healthy boundaries are key to lasting love.
If you want to learn more, here are three great reads:
- The Relationship Cure by John Gottman
- Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus by John Gray
- The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
- The Hard Questions by Susan Piver.
Gretchen Hydo is a certified professional coach, keynote speaker, nationally syndicated advice columnist, and thought leader. For more information on other life changing programs visit Any Lengths Life Coaching.